There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
