mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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