Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
