Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
