Little spoons don't ask big questions
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
