we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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