he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
