i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
