she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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