I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
