fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
