I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
