She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There r osticjed everywhere
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We were destined to go to rehab together
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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