You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
