The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
