I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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