I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
