Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
