Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
