So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
