i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Why did my mother make you get naked?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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