it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
