and she was petting her beer can
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
