His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
