then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
