They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
