why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
