Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
