i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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