You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
