I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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