I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
