I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
