dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
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It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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