just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
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How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Don't tell me you're on acid again