the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.