So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people