Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.