i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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