i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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