I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
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The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
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He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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