it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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