wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Randomize
