I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
