are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
