She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
