Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Randomize
