He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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