I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
