Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
