listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
