Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We got so high we made milksteak
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
