i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
