Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
