I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
