My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
