I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
