I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
