The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
