I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she looked like the before picture.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize