Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
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I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
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turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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