After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
