i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
